Friend With Benefits
Sermon Audio
Sermon Notes
Intro:
Hey everybody my name’s Louis I’m the lead teaching pastor here at City Awakening, it’s great to be with you this morning. Today we’re continuing our series called From Me To You which is about the bible’s timeless wisdom regarding relational topics like singleness, sex, marriage, parenting, and friendships. Over the past couple weeks we’ve talked about singleness and sex, and today we’re talking about marriage. If you’re single or dating this message is still relevant for you because there’s things you’ll learn about marriage that you’ll want to look for in pursuing a spouse, and things you’ll want to apply to your future marriage if you end up getting married. So you can consider this a little pre-marital counseling.
Now when it comes to marriage I’m yet to meet a couple that didn’t love each other on their wedding day. I’ve met plenty of couples who said they didn’t love each other after they were married, but not on their wedding day. It’s because on our wedding day we enter marriage thinking we’re in love, but the truth is we’re in love with an inflated idea of the person and the type of spouse we think they’ll be. I mean when you’re dating you give an inflated puffed up version of yourself, but you have faults, flaws, demons in your closet that’ll get exposed later in marriage. So in the dating relationship you consciously or subconsciously give the person an inflated idea of yourself, it leads a to an inflated idea of love on your wedding day, which leads to an inflated idea of marriage. Then what happens is the inflated love bubble busts, you start seeing who each other really are, and that’s when your love gets tested, that’s when you see if it’s truly an authentic lasting love. It’s when you can see each other’s faults, flaws, and demons, yet you still remain by each other’s side as friends. It’s the type of love we all hope for on our wedding day, and it’s the type of love we’re gonna talk about cultivating today. It’s a love that’ll last even after the inflated love bubble busts, and the real you is exposed. Let’s turn to Genesis 2:24-3:13 and get into it. The title of today’s message is Friend With Benefits, not friends with benefits, but one friend with benefits. Marriage is intended to be a lasting friendship with benefits.
Context:
Here’s your context. Last week we studied Genesis 2:18-25 which is the 1st dating, cohabiting, sexual, marital relationship in history, it’s the relationship of Adam and Eve. At this point sin hasn’t entered into the world or their relationship yet, so everything’s perfect in their relationship. Adam and Eve are exploring and enjoying the world together, holding hands with each other as best friends, but all that’s about to change in Genesis 3. All that’s about to change when sin enters their relationship and threatens their marital friendship. Let’s check it out.
The Word:
Genesis 2:24 states, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” We talked about this verse last week and how it’s the sexual, cohabiting, marital relationship of Adam and Eve. It’s really a fun stage of marriage because it’s your chance to create a new family. The text says the man is supposed to leave his father and mother to hold fast to his wife meaning you get to create a new family, new rules, with new traditions. Now for some couples this can be a stressful stage if they have in-laws that feel like outlaws, they keep busting in on your new family involving themselves in everything. In situations like this you need to set boundaries and the old family needs to respect the boundaries. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your old family, it just means you’re working on doing what the bible teaches which is to leave your parent’s house and start a new family. Every married couple should ask questions like: What do we want our new family to be like? What do we want our family values to be? What traditions will we have? Even how you want your new family to fight. You both come from families that fight differently and this is a chance for your new family to fight differently. Every married couple needs to ask what do we want our new family to be like, so they can leave their parent’s house and start a new family like the text states.
Again vs. 24 states, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” Like I said last week there wasn’t shame in their marriage because sin hadn’t entered the picture yet. So all this is God’s perfect design for dating, cohabitation, sex, and marriage. But sins about to mess all that up, including Adam and Eve’s marital friendship.
Ch. 3:1, “Now the serpent...” Now the serpent...That’s Satan, we’re talking about Satan, and notice when Satan shows up. It’s after the wedding...He shows up immediately after the wedding, after the honeymoon...and he shows up not to build their marriage, but to destroy it. Not to build their friendship with God and each other, but to make them enemies of God and each other. It’s what Satan’s been doing to marriages, families, and friendships since the beginning of creation. He’s been trying to destroy them which is why we can’t enter marriage with inflated love bubbles thinking everyday will be a happily ever after because it won’t. Marriage is an amazing thing, but it’s a battle, it’s a war, it’s a fight against Satan and a fight for your marital friendship...Marriage is a fight AGAINST Satan, and a fight FOR your marital friendship...Your spouse isn’t your enemy they’re a friend and ally against your enemy. Your spouse isn’t your enemy, Satan’s the enemy and he’s trying to get you to fight, hold grudges, keep your pride so you’ll view each other as enemies not friends and allies.
See there’s 3 types of marital relationships, it’s back to back, shoulder to shoulder, and face to face. The back to back is where you’re constantly fighting and treating each other as enemies. It’s put your back against each other, take 10 steps, turn and shoot. You’re enemies. The shoulder to shoulder is where your spouse isn’t an enemy, they’re more like a co-worker. It’s a lot of working shoulder to shoulder next to each other like co-workers. “We have to work to pay off our loans, buy a house, get ready for the baby, take the kids to sports and dance, get them ready for bed, send them to college.” It’s work, work, work, work, work, until the kids move out or you retire then it’s...silence...It’s silence, and you don’t even know who each other are anymore because everything’s been focused on your kids and work. So instead of being loving friends, you’re lonely strangers. But the face to face relationship helps prevent this. The face to face relationship is where your spouse isn’t an enemy or co-worker, they’re a friend. It’s where you turn the TV off, put the phones down, and hang out together as friends. It’s not face to phone, it’s face to spouse. It’s date night, game night, even just 15 minutes of “How are you?... How’s your heart?..” Its hanging out together as friends. Now there’s always seasons in marriage that’ll be back to back, a lot of marriage is shoulder to shoulder, but it’s the investments you make in your face to face time now, that helps you get through those other seasons later. It’s your face to face times that helps you see each other not as enemies like Satan wants, but as friends.
Again vs. 1, “Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, ‘Did God actually say, you shall not eat of any tree in the garden?’2 And the woman said to the serpent, ‘We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, 3 but God said, you shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.’ 4 But the serpent said to the woman, ‘You will not surely die. 5 For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.’ 6 So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate. 7 Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.” There’s so much happening here more than I have time to cover. But the one thing I want you to notice is how Satan’s trying to do what he does to us. He’s trying to get them and us to doubt what God says, to doubt it’s God who really knows what’s best for their lives. He says, “Did God ACTUALLY say that? Oh He’s not telling the truth. You don’t need to follow God, just eat the fruit and it’ll bring you more joy.” No it won’t... No it won’t bring you more joy...Whenever we don’t follow what God says it’ll never bring us joy, it’ll always rob us and our relationships of joy, just like it does for Adam and Eve. Adam and Eve ended up believing the lies of Satan over the truth of God, they ate the fruit God told them not to eat, and it robbed them and their relationship of joy. The text says their eyes “were opened” meaning they realized they sinned against God, they started to feel shame over their nakedness which wasn’t there before, and they start trying to cover up their sin and shame. Sin robbed their friendship with God and each other of joy. It’s what sin does. It’ll look good at first, but eventually it’ll rob us and our relationships of joy. You don’t even need to be a Christian to realize this. We all know when we sin against someone or they sin against us it creates separation in that relationship. Once you were together, but now you’re separated by sin and it’s robbing your relationship of joy. So what do we do, what do we do when sin enters our relationships? How do we restore our relationships back to joy? Let’s see what Adam and Eve do.
Vs. 8, “And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. 9 But the Lord God called to the man and said to him, ‘Where are you?’” That’s for Adam’s benefit not God’s. God knows exactly where Adam is and what he did. It’s why God shows up. He shows up to give them a chance to repent and restore their relationships back to joy. We can’t have our relationships with God and each other restored back to joy unless we’re willing to repent of our sins. Again you don’t have to be a Christian to know this. Remember sin creates separation in our relationships and if you don’t deal with the sin in your relationships it’ll build causing the marital friendship to be threatened. It’s like when you don’t take out the trash in your home. You can get away with it for a while, but eventually you need to take it out or it’ll stink up your house. In a similar way if you don’t take out the trash in your marriage it’ll build and stink up your marital friendship. You have to deal with it, you have to take out the trash, and the way to do it is by repenting and forgiving. You humbly sit, talk it out, admit your sins to each other, and be willing to forgive just like God’s willing to sit, talk, and forgive Adam and Eve. It’s how God’s designed marriage to work ever since Satan and sin entered the marital scene. Now that Satan and sin have entered the marital scene you need to take out the trash by repenting and forgiving. It’s not always easy, but it’s always necessary if you want to have a lasting marital friendship. Without repentance and forgiveness your relationship will only get bitter, not better. “But what if we’ve fallen out of love?” You don’t fall out of love, you fall out of repentance and forgiveness. It’s when you stop repenting and forgiving that you you start becoming enemies and taking steps away from loving friendship. So if you want to have a lasting friendship with your spouse celebrating your 50th plus anniversary still holding hands as best friends, then be quick to repent, quick to forgive, quick to take out the trash so it’s Jesus and grace between you not Satan and sin. Adam and Eve are trying to hide and cover their sins, but God’s trying to get them to repent of their sins. It’s God’s design for restoring all relationships back to joy.
Again vs. 9 states, “But the Lord God called to the man and said to him, ‘Where are you?’ 10 And he said, ‘I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.’ 11 He said, ‘Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?’ 12 The man said, ‘The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate.’ 13 Then the Lord God said to the woman, ‘What is this that you have done?’ The woman said, ‘The serpent deceived me, and I ate.’” So God gives both Adam and Eve the chance to repent, but instead of admitting their sins they play the blame game. Adam blames God and Eve, Eve blames the serpent, neither are willing to admit their sins. How quick we are to play the blame game when we sin instead of admitting our sins and taking out the trash, which only causes our friendship with God and each other to get worse and lose more joy. If we were to keep reading we’d learn God gives consequences to each of them for not repenting and it robs them of so much joy. What was once a perfectly joyful marital friendship, is now an unrepentant blame shifting marital war that’s robbing them of joy. It all started with Satan and sin, it all started with them not trusting God knew what’s best for their lives, and the same is true for us. When we don’t trust God knows what’s best for our lives, when we don’t follow what God says, it’ll only rob us and our friendships of joy...Okay so let’s do this, let me give you a helpful acronym I read in a book called “Real Marriages.” I think it’s a helpful acronym for cultivating lasting marital friendship, and it’s the acronym F-R-I-E-N-D-S.
Fruitful = The F stands for fruitful. A lasting marital friendship entails being fruitful. In Genesis 1:28 God said to Adam and Eve “Be fruitful,” meaning God wants to do a great fruitful work both IN your marriage and THROUGH your marriage. He wants to do a fruitful work in and through your marriage helping to transform entire lives, cities, and societies so people will be better loved, and praise Jesus as a result. Marriage is meant to be fruitful.
Reciprocal = The R stands for reciprocal. A lasting marital friendship entails being reciprocal. The problem with Adam and Eve is they didn’t work with each other against Satan, they worked against each other with blaming. If your spouse isn’t working with you on your friendship, then lead the way. Lead the way in what it means to be a good friend by asking them “How can I be a good friend?” It’s a question we should all ask in marriage. It’s “How can I be a good friend?” Don’t assume it, ask it, and lead the way in creating a reciprocal lasting friendship.
Intimate = The I stands for intimate. A lasting marital friendship entails being intimate. The “one flesh” of Adam and Eve is both a physical and emotional oneness with each other. I talked about the physical last week, so let me say this about the emotional. Emotional intimacy really comes from the face to face time, and it looks different for each of us. A lot of women I’ve talked to say they just want to hang out with their spouse, grab a coffee, spend time conversing, or even talking about each other’s feelings. The men are like, “Feelings? I’ve heard of those before, but I’d like to go boating, watch a cage fight, drink a beer, eat some wings, and call that quality time.” Sometimes those things get reversed, but regardless we need to ask our spouse what emotional intimacy looks like for them, and make some intimacy deposits in the friendship.
Enjoyable = The E stands for enjoyable. A lasting marital friendship entails being enjoyable, meaning loosening up a bit and having some fun together. Like I said last week when Adam first met Eve he was filled with all kinds of joy saying in Genesis 2:23 “This at last!” The marital friendship needs to have some “this at last” moments, some enjoyable moments where you get to just enjoy the gift of your friendship and this world God’s given you. Life goes by too fast for it to be a 24/7 shoulder to shoulder relationship. Don’t just make your marriage about work, instead make some enjoyable memories as you work. We need to take the time to make memories in our marriage, because marriage is meant to be enjoyable with your friend.
Needed = The N stands for needed. A lasting marital friendship entails needing each other. In Genesis 2:18 God said it’s not good for Adam to be alone, so God made a helper “fit for him.” Adam and Eve were fit for each other, they complemented each other, they needed each other to be on the same team doing life together as friends. It’s about laughing together, crying together, sharing each other’s burdens together, fighting together against the enemy Satan, as you fight for your marital friendship. You need each other’s help if you’re gonna win that fight.
Devoted = The D stands for devoted. A lasting marital friendship entails being a devoted friend. It’s being a devoted friend in every season of life, meaning if they gain weight? Devoted. If they lose their hair? Devoted. If they get sick? Devoted. You’ll be a devoted friend celebrating with them in the good times, and comforting them in the bad times. You’ll be a devoted friend helping to lead the way in repentance and forgiveness when you fight, instead of blaming them like Adam and Eve. You’ll be a devoted friend by sticking by their side, even when the inflated love bubble busts, and the real faults, flaws, and demons get exposed. You’ll be devoted.
Sanctifying = The S stands for sanctifying. A lasting marital friendship entails sanctifying each other, meaning helping each other to become more like Jesus. God uses marriage to not only expose our sins, but also to help change and sanctify us. Fights in marriage aren’t always a bad thing, sometimes it’s just God revealing some sin in you and your spouse that He wants both of you to deal with and grow from. So instead of blaming your spouse like Adam and Eve you should ask, “What sin is God exposing? What’s God wanting to change in our hearts?” Don’t be quick to blame your spouse, be quick to check your heart. Don’t be quick to say my spouse needs to change, be quick to say I need my heart to change. Don’t be quick to say I need a new spouse, be quick to say I need to be a new spouse. Jesus didn’t just die for your sins to make you happy, he also died to make you holy, and He’ll use our marriages to do it.
The Big Idea:
Let’s get to the big idea. Here’s the big idea. Marriage is intended to be a lasting friendship with benefits...Marriage is intended to be a lasting friendship with benefits...Look this message is relevant for all of us including those who are single, because sin effects every relationship we have. Genesis 3 teaches that marriage and all our relationships get wounded and robbed of joy because of sin. But it also teaches that God takes the initiative to reach out to us, give us a chance to repent, be forgiven, and have our lives and relationships restored back to joy in Him. It’s the primary message of the bible and the solution God’s given us to having a lasting friendship with God, our spouse, and anyone else we have relationships with. The problem is Satan and sin, the solution is Jesus and grace. The problem is Satan and sin, the solution is to accept God’s invitation to repent, be forgiven, and be restored through Jesus by believing he came to live, die, and rise again for our sins, including our relational sins. It’s Jesus’ friendship that can change you and any friendship that’s willing to repent, forgive, and turn to him. What all of us need more than anything, is for Jesus’ death to cover our sins, and his resurrecting power to bring life back into us and our relational friendships. Satan and sin are fiercely ready to devour us and our relational friendships, but Jesus is even more fiercely ready to forgive, save, and restore us and our relational friendships. Communion is a reminder of this, it’s a reminder that we can always go to Jesus, repent, be forgiven, and be restored back to joy in him.
Let’s go ahead and have those who are serving communion start passing the plates, and as the plates are being passed take a piece of bread and a cup, and hold onto it so we can share this meal together. Jesus told us to celebrate communion in remembrance of him, and he offers communion to anyone who’s willing to repent and turn to him. On the night he was betrayed he gathered with his friends, took the bread, gave thanks for it, broke it and said “This is my body which is to be broken for you and for many for the forgiveness of sins. As often as you eat it, do so in remembrance of me and what I’ve done for you.” Then when supper was ended he took the cup, blessed it, gave thanks for it, and said “This cup is a symbol of my blood which is to be shed for you and for many for the forgiveness of sins. As often as you drink it, do so in remembrance of me and what I did for you.” City Awakening to be loved and unknown is superficial. To be known and unloved is heartbreaking. But to have our inflated love bubbles bust exposing all our sins and inner demons making us fully known, yet still be loved...well...that’s what it’s like to be loved by Jesus. It’s a loving, lasting, friendship with him despite being fully exposed and known, and so let’s eat, drink, and worship him because of that great love.