Wisdom For Fathers
Sermon Notes
Happy Father’s Day! Dads, thanks for leading your family by being here today. I know it would be easy to be at the golf course, or the beach, or to just stay home, but you are here, and my hope is that you are encouraged and challenged today.
This is a Father’s Day message, but if you’re not a dad, don’t tune out. This is really a relevant message to everyone because the role of Father affects everyone. There is a plethora of studies to show the importance fathers, as well as the far-reaching negative affects when fathers are absent from both families and society as a whole. This may not be a popular point of view in our increasingly gender-neutral society, but that’s all the more reason for us to address this issue and give weight and direction to the role of fathers. The ripple affect extends to every child (male or female), to schools, to communities, to business, and to society.
Men, even if you’re not a father, you can still help fulfill some of the same roles within the church by interacting and teaching kids, you can be present in the lives of extended family, or you can coach a sports team. Boys, your preparation begins now to one day be a father. Young ladies, you need to know what to look for in a man who can fulfill the role of father to your children. Moms, you need understand the role of your husband and encourage and pray for them in that (not nag). Single moms, you can look for a community where men are able to help fill some of these roles for your children. We need Godly men to rise up to our calling and fulfill the role of Godly Fatherhood.
Prayer for Fathers - wisdom, perseverance, protection, surrender
Turn in your Bibles to Proverbs 13. Today’s message is Wisdom for Fathers. King Solomon offers a lot of insight for parents and fathers throughout Proverbs, but today we’re going to focus in on 3 Roles of the Father. And because we’ve said that wisdom is “knowledge applied”, then instead of one big idea today, each role we address will have an action statement to go with it.
The first role of a father is to be a Disciple
Proverbs 13:21 says, “Disaster pursues sinners, but good rewards the righteous.”
This is one of those contrasting statements that almost seems too obvious. You find yourself looking for some deeper meaning to the proverb. But really, it’s easy - do what’s right and things will generally go well for you; don’t do what’s right and things are going to generally go bad for you. Remember these are not promises but guiding principles. For the most part if you play by the rules, life goes better. You stay out of trouble, you maintain trust in relationships, you have better opportunities to succeed. It’s always confusing to me when people get upset or offended by God’s “rules.” Those are there to make life better!
Exodus 20:4-6, Do not make an idol for yourself….. 5 Do not bow in worship to them, and do not serve them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, bringing the consequences of the fathers’ iniquity on the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate me, 6 but showing faithful love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commands.
In the midst of the 10 Commandments God tells the Israelites that if they are faithful to him and follow his instructions, he will be faithful to them and things will go well for them and the generations that follow. Notice the generational language. This is where dads come into play. Moses would have primarily been talking to the male Israelites as he makes it clear that the fathers set the direction for the rest of their household. We know on this side of the story that the Israelites were never going to perfectly keep God’s commands, but the fact is, many of them didn’t even seem to try. They quickly turned away from God and pursued other “gods.” They were distracted and forgot the place of the one true God in their lives which in turn affected the entire nation at times.
In 1987, at one of his crusades, Billy Graham said that his team had done research and learned that in homes in which a child came to Christ first, twenty-five percent of them saw their entire family become Christians. When the wife came first, forty to fifty percent of the families all accepted Christ. But when a father came to faith in Christ first, the entire family came to faith in sixty percent of the cases. Men, the reality is that our sins and our righteousness can and will be passed down.
Therefore, the role of the father is to be a disciple of Jesus, pursuing righteousness. It’s easy to check out on this role. We’re tired. We give so much of our energy and time to our jobs. We’re juggling too many plates and we live in the tyranny of the urgent, and frankly, Jesus just doesn’t seem so urgent. He doesn’t demand our time like other things do, so he gets pushed to the back burner. It may be unintentional, but before you realize it you really aren’t pursuing Jesus at all. That’s why the action step for this role of disciple is to be the lead learner. Lead learners take the first step in learning. They lead the way. (You have to be a disciple before you can be a discipler). The good news is that this takes so much pressure off of you - you don’t have to pretend to have arrived or to know it all. People see through that, including your kids. The best thing you can do is to let them see you trying to learn and grow. Admit when you make mistakes, ask for forgiveness. Let the Gospel be on display in your life. Our families need to see, the world needs to see men with enough humility to actually need Jesus in their daily lives….not just acknowledge Jesus 1 day a week.
Dads, let your family see you pursuing righteousness. It’s tempting to wave the banner of “Do what I say, not what I do,” but don’t! You lead by doing. Let your kids see and hear you praying and reading your Bible. Lead the dinner conversations and share what you’re learning. Read a book that will challenge you. Be the one that is excited about coming to church, serving on a team, going to small group,… we can be passionate about so many things (sports, food, movies, etc.), but at the end of the day let your kids see that before you are a salesman, a coach, a cook, a gamer, a techy, or whatever your thing is, you are a follower of Jesus Christ. The greatest thing you can do for you kids is not a lesson or skill you can teach but to let them see you being in love with Jesus. Be a disciple.
The second role of a father is Accountant.
In every household there is a bookkeeper, right? Someone is responsible for keeping track of the money coming in and going out. It’s part of adulthood. I’m that bad guy in our family. It may or may not be dad’s job in your house. But men, even if we aren’t the one balancing our budget, we have a responsibility as an accountant.
Look at the next verse in Proverbs 13, verse 22,
“A good man leaves an inheritance to his grandchildren,
but the sinner’s wealth is stored up for the righteous.”
The “good man” mentioned here is carry over from verse 21, where the good rewarded the righteous. That good will be passed down to the next generation.
Contextually, what was passed from father to son was a big deal…especially property, because it allowed the family line to continue. So, there is some implication here of the physical reward for right living being passed down, but I don’t think that’s the bigger take away. After all, a wicked person can pass on a large bank account. There are plenty of example of that for us to see. It’s a different thing altogether to pass on a legacy of righteousness.
As fathers, we want to be the providers. I think a lot about taking care of my family and how to prepare for the future. It’s easy for us to get focused on the physical and material things and see that as our primary investment responsibility. I think about more than I should, when really, I just need to accept that I’m probably not going to have much to leave them. But there’s so much more to consider when it comes to investing in the future. The action step for this role is to leave an inheritance that will last for eternity.
Men, we have the opportunity to invest in far greater things than a 401k or IRA. And how we live and how we parent carries much greater implications than how much we are worth. Pastor and author Kent Hughes says,
“Men, as fathers, you have such power! You will have this terrible power till you die, like it or not - in your attitude toward authority, in your attitude toward women, and in your regard for God and the church. What terrifying responsibilities! This is truly the power of life and death.”
There’s some terrifying encouragement for you on Father’s Day! But this is so true. We can’t underestimate the power we hold over our children. I don’t mean that in some kind of egotistical, tyrannical way. I mean that in a psychological and emotional reality kind of way. Some of you know all too well the power of your own father who left you deeply wounded because he was absent or abusive or overbearing,…There are all kinds of fathers. Sometimes dads just don’t realize or don’t want to accept the weight that they carry as accountant for the family. But even the best fathers fail their children. I fail on a weekly basis! That’s why I have to be a disciple…a learner. When I fail it’s the perfect opportunity to point back to the perfect Father who will never fail them. He loves them perfectly, in a way that I never will be able to. And when they understand that it frees them from being trapped by my mistakes. As the accountant for my children’s lives, I have to intentional in my investments.
Here’s 3 ways we be intentional about leaving a lasting inheritance:
Don’t waste time - John Croyle, ex-Alabama football player who started a large children’s home in AL, always says that parents have 18 years to pack their kids suitcase. 18 years (936 weeks) to make those deposits, and then they are out of the house and whatever you’ve packed is what they are taking with them. Parents, dads, pack wisely. How much are you investing and what are you investing? I’m thankful that for the investment my dad made in me. I can work with my hands because he taught me how. I learned the importance of serving others because he showed. I learned how to teach others because I watched him teach. Dads, what kind of deposits are you making? Are you teaching your kids to have a Biblical worldview? How to study their Bible? How to resolve conflict? How to be a good steward of money? How to show respect for others and value diversity? Are you teaching them to work hard and how to rest? 18 years will be gone before you know it. Don’t wait for tomorrow and don’t wait for someone else to make investments that you are called and equipped to make.
Let go of control - One of the hardest things we have to do as parents is to let go of our kids. We want so bad to hold on to them and make sure they’re protected or to see them be successful, but we have to realize that we are not God. Children are like money in a lot of ways. God blesses us with them and calls us to be good stewards of that gift, but we’re not supposed to just collect them up for ourselves. Psalm 127 says children are like arrows to be sent out. God cares more about your kids than you ever will and has a plan for them better than you could ever put together. You have to let go. Don’t try to determine their path before they ever have a chance to discern God’s path for their lives. You have to make the investment and then let it grow.
Celebrate the wins - I don’t want this to all seem like a heavy burden; there is great joy in being a parent.
Proverbs 23:15-16,
15 My son, if your heart is wise,
my heart will indeed rejoice.
16 My innermost being will celebrate
when your lips say what is right.
If you’ve had the privilege of seeing your kids surrender their lives to Jesus, then you have experienced this. If you’ve seen your child choose to make the right choice, or even admit their sin, then you’ve experienced this. It’s humbling to watch God grow your children in faith and so joyful to see the fruit of your investment. The ROI is greater than anything else in the world.
I know it’s easy to get discouraged as a parent and feel like you’re failing, but don’t forget to step back and see the work that God is doing and give him thanks and glory for it. Like the stock market, there may be some rough times, maybe even a market crash, but keep praying, keep investing, keep loving and watch God work in the lives of your children. I encourage you to remind yourself daily that children are a blessing, not a burden. That’s Biblical truth…not just my opinion. Let your children know that you believe that also. Don’t just let them hear you complain about how difficult they are or how hard it is to be a parent but let them hear you celebrate the way God is working in their lives and the joy that brings you.
The 3rd role of a father is to be a Disciplinarian
That’s right, someone has to do it. I just spent a week at camp with about 300 3rd-6th graders, so them were in desperate need of someone to establish some discipline in their lives. But admittedly, sometimes we don’t want to be the disciplinarian because it is exhausting. Or maybe you don’t want to be the bad guy. You’re a fun dad and mom is the stickler; let her stickle. Of course, it could be that dad does all the discipline. How many of you growing up would get caught doing something during the day by mom, but you knew the real punishment was coming when dad got home? Both approaches fall short of a biblical parenting. Discipline has to be a team effort, but I do believe that dads have a unique role and responsibility in leading the family. And, when it comes to discipline it is extremely important.
Proverbs 13:24 says,
“The one who will not use the rod hates his son,
but the one who loves him disciplines him diligently.”
Those are strong words. To not discipline is to hate your child, but if you love him you discipline them….diligently. Fun dad doesn’t want to discipline because he feels bad because ”they were just having fun,” “kids will be kids,”…. But denying discipline is the opposite of loving your kids, and the stakes are extremely high!
Proverbs 23:13-14 says,
13 Don’t withhold discipline from a youth;
if you punish him with a rod, he will not die.
14 Punish him with a rod,
and you will rescue his life from Sheol.
Here Solomon tells that to withhold discipline will lead to the child’s death! There’s always this contrast in Proverbs, the path that leads to life and the path that leads to death. Godly wisdom tells us that if we don’t offer guidance and correction to our children then they will walk down the path that leads to death. Just like you and I, they have a sinful nature, and their hearts are turned away from God, so left to their own choosing, they will continue in that same direction. I still remember the first time I really disciplined our first-born son, Asher. He was crawling over to play with the electrical outlet, and I had repeatedly picked him up and moved him away, telling him no. Of course, he began to crawl right back over, looking at me as I was telling him no. After he had repeatedly ignored me, I went over to him, knelt down to him, looked him in the eyes and told him no as I popped him on his little hand. He looked at me in shock and then showed how much I had hurt his feelings. It was a little sad, but not too sad because I was rescuing him from Sheol!
The word discipline is derived from the latin work discipulus, which means student or disciple. Not surprising it’s the same root as our word disciple. It means to learn or receive instruction. I think one of the major misconceptions of discipline is that it’s equated with punishment. Discipline and punishment are not the same thing. Discipline often involves punishment, as we see in Proverbs 23, but the two are not the same. See our goal as parents, as fathers, is not to be the punisher, but to be the discipler. I love the way Paul puts it in Ephesians 6:4, “Fathers, don’t stir up anger in your children, but bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”
If all you do is inflict punishment, you will certainly stir up anger in your children. They won’t understand what they’ve done wrong or why they need to do something different; they will just see a parent who constantly tells them no and punishes them. Even if you understand this principle, it’s really easy in the stress of the moment and business of the day to forgo the training and instruction and just inflict punishment…”just go to your room!” But discipline goes way beyond punishment. Is punishment necessary? Yes. The text tells us so. By the way, the word for punishment can mean a lot of different things from beat, to attack, to smite,…but the idea is that it is felt. Punishment is intended to be painful (not necessarily physical). I point that out because it’s a growing trend in our society to never do anything negative towards our kids…we don’t say no, we don’t take things away, we definitely don’t spank….but at times there has to be a felt consequence that goes along with discipline. If that’s all there was that would be a problem, but when that’s coupled with instruction and training it works. I think of it like this: punishment address the consequences of the action, but instruction and training addresses the heart behind the action. Godly discipline has to encompass both consequences and compassion.
Psalm 103:13
As a father has compassion on his children,
so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him.
God is just but he is also compassionate. We should aim to reflect that same character to our children. This brings us to our action step for being a disciplinarian - Shepherd with both the rod and the staff.
Shepherds carry a stick with a hook on the end. The straight end, the rod, is used for defending the sheep from wild animals and even correcting sheep that are out of line or hurting other sheep. The hook, the staff, is used for rescue. If the sheep is in danger, too close to the edge of a cliff, or stuck in a ditch, the shepherd can reach down with the hook and pull them back. As parents, we should shepherd with both the rod and the staff.
Dads don’t just be the punisher, take the lead and the time to address the heart of your children. Help them see and understand their mistake, and what led them to make that decision (ultimately sin). Then help them understand their need to ask for forgiveness, to repent, and most importantly reassure them that you love them and forgive them. I tell my kids there’s always 5 steps in discipline:
- Admit your mistake
- Ask for forgiveness
- Take the punishment - take responsibility
- Repent - don’t do it again
- Accept my forgiveness - move on
That’s grace-based parenting and it is the loving response which leads to Gospel conversations, even from a very young age. It’s the same way we have to approach God when we sin, with repentance and seeking his grace and forgiveness. Every time we discipline, it’s an opportunity to point back to Jesus.
There’s so much more we could say about discipline - from being transparent and vulnerable with your kids, to setting clear expectations so they know when they are disobeying, to addressing actual sins not just annoyances….but that’s more than we have time for today.
3 roles: Disciple, Accountant, Disciplinarian (D.A.D)
Men, we have a high and weighty calling as Fathers. It’s not a role we can fulfill on our own. We have to rely on Jesus to guide us and the Holy Spirit to strengthen us. We should start every day on our knees asking for wisdom and for courage for this role. I tell my kids that courage is doing the right thing even when it’s hard. Dad, we have to have courage to fulfill these three roles. It is not easy, but it’s definitely worth it.
Courageous- Adam Mitchell
I now believe that God desires for every father to courageously step up and do whatever it takes to be involved in the lives of his children. But more than just being there or providing for them, he’s to walk with them through their lives and be a visual representation of the character of God, their father in heaven.
A father should love his children and seek to win their hearts. He should protect them, discipline them and teach them about God.
He should model how to walk with integrity and treat others with respect and should call out his children to become responsible men and women who live their lives for what matters in eternity.
Some men will hear this and mock it or ignore it.
But I tell you that as a father, you are accountable to God for the position of influence he has given you.
You can’t fall asleep at the wheel only to wake up one day and realize that your job or your hobbies have no eternal value, but the souls of your children do.
Some men will hear this and agree with it but have no resolve to live it out.
Instead, they will live for themselves and waste the opportunity to leave a godly legacy for the next generation.
But there are some men who, regardless of the mistakes we’ve made in the past, regardless of what our fathers did not do for us, will give the strength of our arms and the rest of our days to loving God with all that we are and to teach our children to do the same, and, whenever possible, to love and mentor others who have no father in their lives but who desperately need help and direction.
We are inviting any man whose heart is willing and courageous to join us in this resolution.
In my home, the decision has already been made.
You don’t have to ask who will guide my family, because by God’s grace, I will.
You don’t have to ask who will teach my son to follow Christ, because l will.
Who will accept the responsibility of providing and protecting my family? I will.
Who will ask God to break the chain of destructive patterns in my family’s history? I will.
Who will pray for and bless my children to boldly pursue whatever God calls them to do?
I am their father. l will.
I accept this responsibility, and it is my privilege to embrace it.
I want the favor of God and his blessing on my home.
Any good man does.
So where are you, men of courage?
Where are you, fathers who fear the Lord?
It’s time to rise up and answer the call that God has given to you and to say, “I will. I will. I will.”
