Wisdom For Dealing With Anger
Sermon Notes
Intro:
Today we’re continuing our teaching series on a book of the bible called Proverbs, which is about gaining practical wisdom for everyday life, and today we’re talking about gaining practical wisdom for dealing with anger. Everybody experiences anger, and everybody expresses their anger differently. Some of you are more explosive, you feel the pressure building like a volcano, until finally you erupt. It’s tic tic tic boom!...But some of you aren’t explosive, you’re more passive aggressive. You just kind of bury your anger, push it down deep, until it manifests itself through stomachaches, backaches, headaches, or angry house cleaning...The house never looks cleaner than after an angry passive aggressive cleaning!...
So everybody experiences anger, everybody expresses anger differently, and everybody needs wisdom when dealing with anger. Both skeptics and believers need wisdom when dealing with anger, or else you’ll use your anger in sinful and hurtful ways. A lot of people only view explosive anger as sinful and hurtful because it’s more outwardly expressive. But passive aggression is sinful and hurtful too because it can cause you to bury your issues, stonewall others, even harbor bitterness in your heart. Everybody needs wisdom when dealing with anger, so let’s see what Proverbs has to say about it. Let’s turn to Proverbs 14 and get into it. You’ll find Proverbs in the middle of your bible, we’ll start in Proverbs 14:29-30. The title of today’s message is Wisdom For Dealing With Anger, and here’s the big idea. Anger isn’t always a bad thing...Anger isn’t always a bad thing, but using it unwisely is a bad thing.
Context:
Here’s your context. These proverbs come from King Solomon who’s considered one of the most famous, wealthiest, wisest kings in history. Historically people traveled from all over the world to gain from his wisdom, and today we’re drawing from a few of his proverbs to learn from his wisdom about anger. For those of you taking notes we’ll address the following 4 questions regarding anger: #1 What is destructive anger? #2 What is good anger? #3 How can we assess our anger? #4 How can we live out good anger? Let’s start with the question #1.
#1 What is destructive anger?
Proverbs 14:29-30 states, “A patient person shows great understanding, but a quick-tempered one promotes foolishness.” Solomon’s teaching us destructive anger is when we’re being quick tempered. It’s because being quick tempered is destructive in 3 ways. First it’s destructive to our decision making. He says it promotes foolishness, meaning it’s destructive to our decision making. When you’re quick tempered, easily heated, it hinders your ability to make wise decisions. Instead of making wise thoughtful decisions you make foolish irrational decisions you later regret. It’s why after you cooled off and processed the way you reacted you often feel regret, you feel like a fool. It’s because in the moment you were a fool! You weren’t being a patient understanding person like vs 29 says, you were being a foolish irrational person and made some foolish irrational decisions. You were being a fool. Solomon’s point is when you’re quick tempered your view of the situation gets distorted, and it’s destructive to your decision making.
Again Proverbs 14:29-30, “A patient person shows great understanding, but a quick-tempered one promotes foolishness. 30 A tranquil heart is life to the body, but jealousy is rottenness to the bones.” The Hebrew word for ‘jealousy’ can also be translated as ‘to get heated.’ It’s a contrast between somebody who has a tranquil heart and somebody whose emotions consume them. He says a tranquil heart is life to the body, but a jealous heated heart consumed with emotions is rottenness to the bones. So being quick tempered is destructive to our decisions, but also to our bodies! It’s rottenness to the bones. There’s all kinds of studies proving how destructive anger is to our bodies. It causes more damage to our hearts than anxiety, sorrow, and all other emotions. Harvard Health states, “Research shows that two hours after an angry outburst, a person has a slightly higher risk for chest pains, a heart attack, a stroke, or a risky heart rhythm...Anger causes an outpouring of stress hormones like adrenaline, which makes your heart beat faster and your blood pressure rise.” It’s why we sometimes say “You’re making my blood boil!” It’s because when we’re angry we feel our blood pressure rising! It’s destructive to your body, literally rottenness to your bones. Solomon says it’s destructive to our decisions, it’s destructive to our bodies, and in Proverbs 15 he tells us it’s destructive to our relationships.
Proverbs 15:1 states, “A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath...” Vs. 18, “A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but one slow to anger calms strife.” This is about how being quick tempered ‘stirs up conflict,’ meaning it’s destructive to our relationships. It’s destructive to our decisions, our bodies, and also our relationships. In vs 1 Solomon says we’ll use harsh words when we’re angry, they feel like daggers in the heart. Our words can cause tremendous wounds, sometimes greater than our physical wounds! You’ll heal faster from a black eye, than a deeply bruised heart. James 3:6-10, “The tongue is a fire...It stains the whole body, sets the course of life on fire...It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. 9 With the tongue we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in God’s likeness...10 things shouldn’t be this way.” Both James and Solomon are saying our words can be very destructive to our relationships, and that’s what destructive anger is. It’s being quick tempered in ways that’s destructive to your decisions, your body, and your relationships. But Proverbs and other parts of the Bible teach us there’s a different kind of anger, it’s a good anger.
#2 What is good anger?
Proverbs 16:32 states, “Patience is better than power, and controlling one’s emotions, than capturing a city.”Solomon used the word ‘patience’ in Proverbs 14, and he’s using it here too. The implication is there’s a category of anger that’s good and isn’t destructive. It’s a patient anger...Destructive anger is quick tempered, but Good anger is patient...The Hebrew word for ‘patience’ is referring specifically to being patient in anger. Some of your bibles translate it as being slow to anger. It’s about being slow to anger, and our greatest example of this is God.
· Psalm 86:15, “You Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger...”
· Nehemiah 9:17, “You are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in faithful love, and you did not abandon them.”
· 2 Peter 3:9, “The Lord does not delay his promise, as some understand delay, but is patient with you, not wanting any to perish but all to come to repentance.”
If you’ve ever wondered why Jesus hasn’t returned to fix our messed up world yet, Peter says it’s because of his patience. It’s because he’s patiently giving those who reject him a chance to turn to him, including some of your very own friends and family! He’s patiently waiting for you to share the gospel with them so they can come to faith in him too. Jesus is very patient with us, and he expects us to be patient too. So what Proverbs, what the entire Bible teaches is Good anger entails us having a patient anger like Jesus. It doesn’t teach you shouldn’t ever get angry, it teaches you should be patient in your anger. In fact it’s a sin if you don’t get angry!...Some of you think Christians shouldn’t ever get angry, but it’s actually a sin if you don’t get angry!
For example a lot of people think God shouldn’t ever get angry, He should just always be loving. But a God who doesn’t ever get angry isn’t a loving God. I mean a loving God couldn’t possibly look at all the sinful destruction humanity’s causing our world and be okay with it. For God to be loving He has to get upset over it! Just like you get angry when sinful things are done to you and your family, God gets angry when sinful things are being done to Him and His family. The difference is He’s perfectly patient with His anger and we aren’t. But it’s okay for you to get angry sometimes. In fact Ephesians 4:26 says, “Be angry and do not sin.” Be angry, just don’t sin in your anger. So the goal of good anger isn’t to not get angry, it’s to be patient in your anger. It’s because that’s how Jesus is with us. He’s very patient and loving with us. He’s gets angry over our sin, he’s loving enough to die for our sins, and he’s patient enough to wait for others to turn to him. Simply put, Good anger is having a patient anger like Jesus.
#3 How can we assess our anger?
How can we assess our anger to know if it’s Good anger? Here’s 3 assessment questions.
Question 1 = What am I defending? Think about what’s angering you and ask “What am I defending? What am I trying to protect, and is it worth me attacking others to protect it?” If you truly ask yourself that, you’ll realize most things you’re trying to protect aren’t really worth getting so worked up over. It’s mostly things like protecting your ego, pride, reputation, respect. I tend to wrestle with respect. If somebody disrespects me I take it as a challenge and have a hard time turning the cheek, instead I want to turn their cheek. I want to engage in some beat down evangelism. I beat them down, then pray over them later. But the reality is I shouldn’t have to gain anybody’s respect, because there’s nothing really respectable about me compared to Jesus. I’m also disrespecting Jesus when I’m quick to throw hands or throw shade at somebody he created in the image of God. If we truly ask ourselves what am I defending, we’ll find it’s mostly things like our ego and pride. It’s mostly things that aren’t really worth defending.
Question 2 = Is my anger at an appropriate level for the offense? You need to ask is my anger at an appropriate level for the offense? Proverbs 24:28 states, “Don’t testify against your neighbor without cause.” Solomon’s saying you need just cause, just reasons for your anger, and your anger should match the level of the offense. But a lot of times our anger is excessive for the offense. I mean we get more angry over somebody insulting us or cutting us off in traffic, than we do over things like poverty, racism, or human trafficking...It’s okay to get angry over somebody insulting you or cutting you off, but your anger is distorted if you’re 10 times angrier over that than people being mistreated for their skin color or people being sold as sex slaves. My point is we often get way too angry at things that warrant little anger, and we don’t get angry enough at things that warrant a lot of anger. The way to tell if your anger is appropriate, is by asking if the offense is something God would get angry about? If we’re angry about things God’s angry about, then our anger is just. If we’re angry about things God isn’t angry about, then our anger isn’t just. We need to be angry about the right things, in the right way, at the right level of the offense.
Question 3 = Is my anger distorted in its goal? Is my anger distorted in its goal? What’s the end goal of my anger? Is it to win an argument, or to win the heart of the person? The goal of destructive anger is to win an argument, it’s to strike the sinner instead of doing a surgical strike on the sin. But the goal of good anger, the goal of patient anger is to win the heart of the person. It’s to do a surgical strike on the sin instead of the sinner. It’s to attack the problem instead of the person. Many of our conflicts can be resolved by attacking the problem, instead of the person. They can be resolved by talking to each other, instead of attacking each other.
So what’s the assessment on your anger? Are the things you’re getting angry over really worth defending?...Is your anger at an appropriate level, or a distorted level compared to the offenses?...Is your anger distorted in its end goal?...Do you have destructive anger, or good anger?...Everybody has some destructive anger in them, but we cover it up with excuses like, “It’s my job, I didn’t get enough sleep, it’s just a season of life with the kids.” All these things can certainly play a factor in pushing your buttons, but they’re still your buttons! In the moment you might’ve had good anger, but you allowed it to turn into a sinful destructive anger, and you need to admit it. You need to admit you had a destructive anger instead of a good anger.
#4 How can we live out good anger?
I’ll give you 4 quick tips on how to live out good anger from Ephesians 4.
Tip #1 = Speak the truth about your anger. Speak the truth, admit you’re angry to the person. Ephesians 4:25 states, “Let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor...” And notice it says to speak the truth with your ‘neighbor’ not your ‘neighbors.’ Its singular not plural, meaning you need to talk it out, instead of gossip it out. You need to talk WITH your neighbor, instead of ABOUT your neighbor. If you’re willing to admit you’re angry, willing to talk about your anger, it’ll open doors for reconciliation. Reconciliation can’t happen if you aren’t willing to talk to the person you’re angry with. It takes 1 person to forgive, but it takes 2 to reconcile. You’re being destructive with your anger if you aren’t willing to talk it out, because you’re destroying chances for reconciliation. You’re also creating a root of bitterness in your heart, and roots become trees, that become forests. You’re creating a forest of bitterness and anger in your heart that’ll control your life. The way to uproot your anger is to speak the truth about your anger.
Tip #2 = Address your anger quickly. Living out good anger entails addressing your anger quickly. Ephesians 4:26, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and do not give the devil an opportunity.” The text says ‘don’t let the sun go down on your anger,’ meaning don’t hold onto your anger for long. It’ll prevent our anger from building, and prevent the devil from having an opportunity to stir the pot. If we don’t address it quickly, our anger will build, the devil will stir the pot, and it’ll destroy our bodies and our relationships like I said earlier. The longer you hold onto your anger, the longer your anger holds onto you. So put it to death, before it puts you and your relationships to death. Address it before the sun goes down.
Tip #3 = Use edifying words. Living out good anger entails using edifying words instead of destructive words. Ephesians 4:29, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up...” Simply put, you need to watch your mouth when you’re angry. Don’t use ‘corrupt’ words to beat people down, use ‘edifying’ words to build people up. In fact the Greek word for ‘corrupt’ is often used to describe rotten fruit, meaning our corrupt words will cause our relationships to become like rotten fruit. But it’s tempting to use hurtful corrupt words when we’re angry, and some of us are shorter fused than others. We’re quick to snap back with hurtful corrupt words. Jesus’ little brother states in James 1:19, “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger.” Our bodies are well equipped for this, because we’ve been given 2 ears and 1 tongue. Our ears are both open, but our tongue is caged behind bars called our teeth. So when somebody makes us angry, we should remember what James said. He said be quick to listen, and slow to unleash the cage to our tongue...One of our staff members said it’s about “seeking to understand, before seeking to be understood.” We’re so busy trying to have our perspective understood, that we fail to understand the other person’s perspective. So next time you’re angry, try seeking to understand, before seeking to be understood. Try being quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to be angry, before opening the cage to your tongue.
Tip #4 = Look at your own depravity, and forgive. Living out good anger entails looking at your own depravity and forgiving. Ephesians 4:31-32, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” We need to take a look in the mirror, take a look at our own depravity and how much Jesus has forgiven us. With all the sins we’ve committed in our lifetime, we should be humbly thankful that Jesus is slow to anger and quick to forgive. We should be humbly thankful Jesus looked at us with the kindest of affections, and went to the cross for our sinful offenses. On the cross he attacked sin out of a love for the sinner, and we must do the same. We must forgive just as he has forgiven us.
When we hold onto anger and are struggling to forgive somebody, it’s usually because we’re looking harder at their depravity than our own. We’re thinking they don’t deserve forgiveness, while forgetting we don’t deserve it either. But the more you look at your own depravity and understand just how much Jesus has forgiven you, and just how often he’s forgiven you, the more forgiving you’ll be towards others. Jesus has forgiven us of so much and so often, that it’d be hypocritical for us to do otherwise. Its hypocritical to believe we’re justified by faith, but then require others to be justified by their works. It’s certainly hard to forgive sometimes, especially if the wounds are deep. But if you take an honest look at your own depravity, you’ll realize it’s necessary. It’s okay to be angry when you’re sinned against. But living out good anger entails forgiving others of their depravity, because Jesus has forgiven you of your depravity.
The Big Idea:
Here’s the big idea of the message. Anger isn’t always a bad thing, but using it unwisely is a bad thing. If you’ve been using your anger in destructive ways, remember the cross and ask Jesus to forgive you...If you’ve been struggling with forgiving somebody who used their anger against you, remember the cross and forgive just as Jesus has forgiven you...Destructive anger affects us all, but there’s grace, healing, and power available at the cross. You can try controlling your anger all you want, but eventually you’ll lose control. You need the help of a good God if you want to live out good anger. You need the help of Jesus everyday, because everyday we’re faced with offenses that’ll anger us. The more you seek his grace on the cross, the more his grace will change your heart. So let his grace on the cross, consume the destructive anger in your heart.